Recently, I received a comment and question from one of our readers about parenting tips. I’ve thought a lot about that since then, and I will try to write more about my parenting journey in blogs to come. But having just returned from my annual Christmas sojourn with my best friend, Carrie, and her family, I am reminded of so many things. After spending a week with them, and seeing all of our grown kids together, what strikes me most are the traditions, love and camaraderie I see between them.
Carrie and I grew up with each other, and the comfort of her friendship has carried me for more than 40 years. When she was marrying my dear friend Marty, the former music director at Days of Our Lives, I convinced him they should move to my town. Thank goodness they took my advice!
We raised our kids together … we carpooled, we shared holidays, and best of all, we were always so supportive of each other and each other’s kids. We became uber “aunts and uncles” … going to their sports events, plays or whatever. Consequently, and because they were raised so similarly, our kids are amazingly close. They are respectful and compassionate, and so so kind to each other. Not to mention the amount of kissing and hugging that goes on!
Carrie and I have always had a similar approach to raising our kids – more the farm mom way than the new book approach. Good behavior was a must! My mom, being from the south, had very strict rules about being respectful and “not talking back,” and I have followed in that path. To this day, the hair stands up on the back of my neck if my kids cross the line. Mind you this rarely happens because I didn’t tolerate it … it was an absolute deal breaker!
I remember one time, when my youngest was an early teen, he mimicked me in a restaurant. I never like to embarrass my kids, but I called him out at the table full of people … and he never did it again. I believe that if you don’t (excuse the expression) nip that shit in the bud early it will get worse and worse! You cannot put up with it for one minute or it will come back to haunt you in the later years.
I have never understood how a parent allows kids to be nasty – to them or their siblings. You have to encourage (and sometimes even demand) them to be kind to each other. When my kids were young, I would send them to their room and tell them they could come back when they could be kind and a member of the family. I NEVER allowed any of them to shout out “I hate you.” Unacceptable – to me and to their siblings!
A couple of my early rules for myself as a parent were 1) never stop hugging first, and 2) just stop, put whatever I was doing down, and listen … to give them my UNDIVIDED attention! Skip the judgment and just listen….
I know, that’s hard to do sometimes, especially today … but you just have to do it. When people tell me their teenager doesn’t confide in them or tell them anything, I wonder if they put in the time when they were younger. You have to earn the closeness.
Now, my kids are in their 20s and it’s all paid off! And, I think Carrie’s and my kids will be closer than siblings for the rest of their lives. What a gift!!
As we approach the new year, let’s encourage more love and respect!! Oh yeah and tons of hugging and kissing!!! Cheers to 2016!
I’m late to the party on commenting on this one. I really enjoyed reading your parenting perspective, MB. I think parenting is a very tough topic to advise on, and I really admire your willingness to do so, because I find that unlike other kinds of advice, if people don’t agree with parenting advice, they often take it as an insult, and I’ve lost friends over it. Personally, I’m very much in your court that you do not tolerate insolence and disrespect, and you begin not tolerating it from day one. There’s an age-appropriate behavior expectation, so that line separating sweet and snarky intents is constantly moving from year to year. But I absolutely do not think it’s cute for kids to sass, and that goes for not just my own, but yours, too (the collective, not your three, MB). And when I see parents allowing this kind of disrespectful behavior, I just have to wonder, WHY? Hello? McFly? Who’s the adult, here? I think some kids are just not receptive to this kind of discipline. Mileage varies, here, but I think no matter what, no matter how old, no matter what kind of kid you have (shy, spirited, special needs, emotional, unemotional, etc.), there’s a way to relate to them with this discipline that is a must. Not addressing disrespect and letting it go (or even condoning it) leads to the patients taking over the asylum.
I’ve learned, however, that it can be hard to discuss parenting, even when people willingly ask for advice. It ultimately leads to feelings of inadequacy. Even discussions of parenting styles between my friends has led to hurt feelings and broken friendships, because even the notion that one of us does things differently than another is akin to judgment and finger-pointing. I’m an organic foods only mom, definitely organic milk. A very good friend does not believe in organics and just saying, “I need to go to Oberweis to get milk” (local organic dairy) translates to her ears as “you are doing the wrong thing by not giving your girls organic milk and just wait until they hit puberty early, then you’ll see.” Did I say that? No. But that’s what she heard, and that’s not even discussing the parenting topic, it’s saying, gee, I need milk. Free range parents vs. helicopters (I’m the latter), and this blog’s subject, which is a flavor of discipline. When one asks for advice, if the outcome is not what they were subconsciously hoping for, they often feel like they’ve done the wrong thing, then go into defensive mode and do a 180 on wanting that advice.
Basically, what I’m saying, is I’m terrible at discussing parenting. I always tend to lose friends. I do agree with everything you said here, and I hope it helps others.
Hi Marybeth,
My twenty-something son and daughter are great friends and hang in the same crowd. Someone recently commented about the close relationship they have. My daughter responded that she had no choice because “Mom would make us kiss and hug if we fought. We didn’t want to do that so we got along.” I had to laugh when I heard that my parenting impacted them in this way. I am happy it resulted in such a tight bond for them.
Hi Lorraine,
I love your hugging/kissing strategy. My youngest are 11 and 14 and have been fighting lately. I saw this photo on FB where a Mom put her son and daughter in what looked like one of Dad’s old t-shirts…together…she’d written “Our Get-Along Shirt” on the front. I found this inspiring. Jonny and Kimmie could never agree on whose turn it was to do dishes and drama always ensued. Now, I make them do dishes TOGETHER every night. I call it their Get Along Kitchen…
Mary Beth,
I’ve read this parenting blog and the comments several times and have started to leave a post each time. But, I hesitated because talking about my parenting experience forces me to bring up the whole “widow” thing, which is kind of a downer. I feel like we are probably the same kind of Mom. It’s just that our circumstances are different.
I really want to speak to the challenges associated with mothering broken kids. Seven years ago, I was the typical upper middle class soccer Mom. My husband and I ran a successful contracting business. I had decided to go back to college to complete my teaching degree. I managed to balance work, school, and parenting my kids who were 4, 7, and 16.
This was in 2008 when the economy collapsed. Construction in my area just stopped overnight. It was frightening. But, I just worked harder at school in anticipation of graduating and getting a teaching job the following year. I did not realize how hard my husband was taking the problems with our business until I came home from a long day at school to discover that he had completed suicide.
My kids and I began our journey on October 28, 2008. Most kids don’t want to be different. Mine have no choice. They’ve had to travel a road that very few can understand. My oldest knows what it’s like to be questioned by detectives as a murder suspect…as do I. (Most people don’t know that this is what happens to Survivors of Suicide (SOS). It happened to the majority of SOS Widows I know.) On the worst night of his life, when he could hear his Mama wailing in grief, they wouldn’t let him near her. What does that do to a kid? It breaks him. Just as sitting on Mama’s lap as she tries to explain suicide breaks 4 and 7-year old children. So, my kids were broken and I was broken.
I’m not telling this story because I want people to think I’m some supermom..I am not. Parenting broken kids is hard. But, I know lots of Mamas who do it with far more grace than I could ever manage. We know what it’s like to go from having a man standing behind us to being a single mama. Believe me, my boy took notice of this change right away. Our defining moment was when he backed his 5’4″ Mama against the wall and she nutted up and chased him down the hallway..because you don’t bully women.
Being a good Mama isn’t about being perfect. It’s about never giving up. My oldest managed to survive the hallway incident and is a successful computer programmer. My middle son is 14 and my 11-year old daughter is the next teenager on deck. My expectations are the same for my kids as they always have been. You will respect me and other authority figures. You represent our family and I expect good behavior in public. Do your best in school. You are going to college or moving out of my house after you graduate high school. I’m your best friend and fiercest advocate. But, if you get arrested enjoy your stay.
Stay strong Mamas. Get help when you need it. See a therapist. Do what works. Just, never give up.
Happy New Year!
Bravewidowmama, Thanks for the little window into your life and the parenting tips. Both are much appreciated.
Thanks Lorraine. xo
Happy New Year Mary Beth!
I love reading your blogs & this one is especially dear to me. I can relate to all of it. I have a best friend of 40+ years as well & we often talk about how lucky we are & how unique it is to have a friend that you grew up with, that you never grew apart from. We have been through so much together & we have just gotten closer & closer as time has gone by. We lived on the same street growing up (from the time I was 5 & she was 4). We climbed trees, rode bikes, had sleep overs, got our licenses, went on dates, & got in trouble together! So many great memories. We are now raising our teenagers & though it’s a 20 minute drive to her house we spend a lot of Friday nights together. Just laughing & talking. Not just she & I but our kids too. My kids tell their friends that they are cousins with her kids & vice versa. My kids call her “Mom” & her kids call me “Mom”. We joke & say that our kids have been friends since they were in the womb. I feel very blessed indeed. Recently I was diagnosed with Stage 2 Invasive Ductile Carcenoma, and though I have a great support system at home, I don’t know what I would do without my BFF. Life is so busy for both of us but she finds the time to show up at my house, call me, text me, etc. Even if she has just a second in her busy schedule she will send me a picture of something she knows will make me laugh. I walked into her house one day last week and there was a wooden sign on her kitchen counter that said “Not to spoil the ending, but everything is going to be ok”. I said “Is this mine??” Lol. She is just the best & I feel so thankful to have her and so thankful that our kids are growing up together, being raised the way we were raised. To love & be respectful & to laugh. A lot!
Ok. Obviously I could go on & on & on. Thank you so much for opening up your heart & home & family to your fans every week. We so enjoy it!
Happy New Year!!!PLANK was one of my 2015 Gratitude Jar blessings. Every Blog has this special way of fitting right into a needed place. It has made me take many leaps with a “C’est La Vie” shout!! Sometimes the leaps turn into leaving out a key step in a recipe or missing the last flight home, while watching the great new Days stuff. Sometimes the leaps turn into this Amazing appreciation & fresh perspective on family, friends, wine, flowers,giving back and kindness. Finding humor in the failed leaps and remembering if we don’t step forward, we remain in the same place. So thanks & Cheers to a Brave 2016.XOX
Nancy just wanted you to know that Im rooting for that “ending”:) So glad you have the treasures of laughter and a good friend to help you through this. Rooting for you. Hugs
Great blog Mary Beth!…I’m from the south and raised by my southern parents and the first thing I can remember is that my mother instilled in us to always be very respectful to others and to always show kindness to each other!….You and Michael have raised very caring and beautiful children! I want to wish you all a very Happy New Year!
What a gift you have passed on to your children! Nothing better than knowing your parents loved you enough to make you be a respectable person. That is what my parents did and that is what I have done with mine. Not always easy but I’m glad I did. Relationships are what it is all about in all circumstances. I teach at an inner city school and I see it everyday when a student is raised by parents to respect. First off they have been taught to respect themselves first and then it becomes natural to respect others. I have found that all any of my students want from the meanest toughest rudest student to the “teachers pet” is that they want boundaries and someone to tell the how to behave. That is what you have done with your kids and the love and respect has created a bond that can’t be destroyed. That comes from a good soul and happy heart, and you have both of those. Happy New Year to you, and your family
Mary Beth I am a big fan of you and especially Stephen and love reading your plank I have 2 teenage boys 15 and 19 and the younger one testing me big time at moment. Funnily enough we were having a dinner discussion after NYE and he pointed out he was really happy we did not question him if he was drinking last night. He felt good that we trusted him although another parent asked him as there son is drinking but that parent really had no right! Anyway it opened up discussions who is and who isn’t drinking great talk. You are an inspiring person would love to meet you and Stephen one day you both seem so positive and in the same page! Keep up the good work and tell Stephen he’s still HOT! Luv Janine from Australia x
Love this and so true!! I raised my kids the same way and we are all so close! I agree with you to always listen and be non judgemental. I always say I would rather hear it from my kids then we can talk openly and honestly about it and they know they can always come to me. I remember when my son was a teen he called from a friends house to let me know their plans. At the end of the call he said I love you mom. His friends ribbed him about it and he said hey at least im comfortable saying that to my mom how about you. Needless to say things got quiet lol. My daughter and son are mine and my lifemate Keith’s best friends. They are in their 30’s now and Im so proud of the beautiful people they have turned out to be.
Mary Beth, I love this so much! I am 20, and I was taught the same way as you have taught your kids. I do believe that for me, if my parents wouldn’t have spent all that time with me and supported me through my teenage years, we wouldn’t be nearly as close as we are now! Respect for everyone is definitely key!
Great blog 🙂
Happy New Year! <3
Happiest New Year!
Happy New Year Mary Beth!! I love, love, love this blog!!! I had tears in my eyes and felt excitement at the same time after I read your blog. My husband and I have taken the same approach in raising our daughters as you and your husband have. I see too many families these days where the kids are so rude and disrespectful to their parents and the parents JUST TAKE IT. (UGH!!) Our girls are not allowed to say ‘hate’ at all, and if they are mean to each other or even us, we send them to their room until they can be nice and respectful again. I feel like the ‘mean mom’ at times because I expect my girls to be kind and respectful, and when they aren’t they get called on it. (We are about to hit the teen years, so we are nipping the attitudes in the bud as quickly as we can. Yikes!) But we wouldn’t have them raised any other way. We are very thankful they are turning out to be really good, kind girls that are the best of friends!
As a teacher I often see the results of parenting good and bad…. I have taught in some difficult schools and the biggest thing that was always missing was parenting in a positive way. There are solo many reasons for that…. I am in an outstanding high school now and while we have students with issues, the majority of our students are kind and accepting. The atmosphere is totally different and the results are seen in the students we send out into the adult world. It breaks my heart that there are no easy solutions for so many kids in difficult homes. It was hard at times not to feel despair. It’s too bad that all kids cannot know the true unconditional love of family and learn the values of kindness and respect.
Amen Barb! I always say that there is no such thing as a “bad” kid. The angrier they are, the more sadness there is behind it. Mad=Sad
Hi Mary Beth,Wishing you a very Happy New Year..
Regards to bringing up children..I never allowed any dissention in my family…no bad words..my children now in thier 50s are all good friends..Love my family 🙂 xx